All my life I've been plagued with wanderlust. But I wasn't born to luxury. Me and my sister were raised by mum single-handedly. Except for the occasional trips to visit relatives in Manila, I've never been away from home. Still, I dreamed. I'm a voracious reader, and I found myself getting lost in the exotic places of the books that I read. I have sailed on a gondola on the canals of Venice, sat in a bistro on a quaint Parisienne street, and climbed each one of Lisbon's seven hills. I have partied in Ibiza, seen the full moon in all its splendor in Koh Phangan, and experienced the magic of Egypt. I swam with dolphins and made snow angels. I have been everywhere, if only in my head. I promised myself that before I died, I would have seen the world twice. My goal was to work hard long enough to save money. Then I would backpack through Europe and the rest of the world alone, and live simply.

But I grew up, and life happened. I suddenly had work to do, bills to pay, and responsibilities I can't ignore. At 25, I'm nowhere near achieving my goal. That dream seems so far away now, and I fear that I will be an old woman by the time I can save enough to visit all the places I want to go to. I have come to accept that unless I win at least a million pesos in the lottery, backpacking through Europe is not feasible for a person of my background.

Still, I can't shake off the itch. So I travel where I can when I can afford to. This year so far, I've travelled to Manila, Alcoy, and my beloved Bantayan. And thanks to Cebu Pacific's really affordable seat sale rates, I am going to Boracay next month and (drumroll please) HongKong in October! Finally, my first trip abroad, and I am uber excited. Of course, budget is limited so, apart from visiting the requisite places (Disneyland, Ocean Park, Victoria Peak, etc.), its really nothing fancy. I'll be staying in hostels (Hopefully, I'll meet a hot backpacker or two!) and will probably be living off cup noodles for days but who fuckin' cares? I'm going to HongKong!

My dream might be delayed but its far from over. I'll take it one step at a time, one country at a time. Yes, HongKong will be the first of many. Never has an itch been more pleasant.

I know I should start accepting the fact that it really was just a one night stand and we can't move past that. I have to believe that there's no room in his life for me, that we don't belong together, the he has probably forgotten me by now, and that he never cared. Its the most logical thing to do, and the sooner I embrace that, the sooner I can move on and get my life back.

But he did call me that night. I had let him go. I had said my goodbye. It should have been over then, but he did call me. I know its crazy to base my decisions on a stupid phone call, but why would he bother? I don't know him well enough but he didn't strike me as someone who would waste his time, unless he really meant it. Of course, I could be wrong. I'm sure he has his reasons, and whatever they are, I'll probably never know.

I still don't want to believe that he and I can't be together, that he can't be mine. I love him, and that has to mean something. After all this time I'm finally in love again, and its hard to accept that its all in vain. But I'm also afraid to wait because I don't know for sure that there is something I'm waiting for. It is all too confusing. I don't know what to think, even what to feel. This utter helplessness is agony. I am exposed. I am vulnerable.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. - By The River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho