To Wait Or Not To Wait, That Is The Question
April 6, 2007
Its been 2 weeks since M left, and I have not cried a single tear. I miss him. I think about him more often that I care to admit. I make an effort to know more about him, but I find my heart breaking with each new fact that I uncover about his life - the wife he is supposedly divorcing, a lady in LA who could be a girlfriend, and even a possible romance with A, the training bitch. Yes, the tears would have been welcome, if only to let the sadness out and to ease the bleeding of my heart. I know I should start accepting the fact that it really was just a one night stand and we can't move past that. I have to believe that there's no room in his life for me, that we don't belong together, the he has probably forgotten me by now, and that he never cared. Its the most logical thing to do, and the sooner I embrace that, the sooner I can move on and get my life back. But he did call me that night. I had let him go. I had said my goodbye. It should have been over then, but he did call me. I know its crazy to base my decisions on a stupid phone call, but why would he bother? I don't know him well enough but he didn't strike me as someone who would waste his time, unless he really meant it. Of course, I could be wrong. I'm sure he has his reasons, and whatever they are, I'll probably never know. I still don't want to believe that he and I can't be together, that he can't be mine. I love him, and that has to mean something. After all this time I'm finally in love again, and its hard to accept that its all in vain. But I'm also afraid to wait because I don't know for sure that there is something I'm waiting for. It is all too confusing. I don't know what to think, even what to feel. This utter helplessness is agony. I am exposed. I am vulnerable. If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. - By The River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho
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